Twas the Night Before School Starts

T'was the night before school starts
And all through the place,
Not a smile was seen
On any kid's face.

Our bags were all stuffed
With our notebooks brand new,
And rulers and pencils
With erasers to chew.

Mournfully we
All crawled into bed,
Knowing too well
That the 'good life' was dead.

Then mom came in whistling
And kissed us goodnight,
With a bright cheery voice
That didn't seem right.

The night dragged on slowly
I just couldn't sleep,
For fear that my math teacher
Would be a real creep.

Or maybe a bully
Would give me a shove,
Or even more evil things
Than I could think of.

When from in the next room
There arose such a clamber,
My mom yelled, "I'm FREE!"
"I'm free 'till next summer!"

This must be a plot
By conspiring moms,
Who just want a break
To experience 'calm.'

Oh, must I go through it?!
How can I go on?
I want to escape
Run off to Saigon!

Nine months is too long
To suffer through school
The classes so rough
And teachers who're cruel.

"Come Donald! Come Conner!
Come Henry VanStation!
Come up to the board,
Do your multiplication!"

"And Julie, stop talking!
And Jimmy, wake up!
And Mary, right now,
Don't do your makeup!"

Teachers ever are hounding
They just never quit.
You do something wrong,
They go into a fit.

And so every year
About this same time,
I lie in bed sleepless
And just moan and whine.

Until morning comes,
And I hear my mom say,
"Good luck with your school!
And have a nice day!"

Job Responsibility

"Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that
room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a
love for learning.

Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in
their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe
them for signs of abuse. I am to fight the war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns
and raise their self-esteem.

I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair
play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply
for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally.

I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior,
offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student
employment and scholarships, encourage a respect for the cultural diversity of
others, and, oh yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my
class fifty percent of my attention.

I'm required by my contract to be working on my own time (summers
and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional
certification, advanced certification and a master's degree, to sponsor the
cheerleaders or the sophomore class (my choice) and after school.  I am to
attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in
staff development training to maintain my current certification and
employment status.

I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such
that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient
and respectful of authority. I am often given "advise" on how to
do my job by every person ever to have gone to school before
and I am  to do it with just a piece of chalk, a few books
and a bulletin board, and on a starting salary that qualifies my
family for food stamps in many states.

Is that all?"

RULES FOR TEACHERS 1915.

You will NOT marry during the term of your contract.
You are NOT to keep company with men.
You MUST be home between the hours of 8pm and 6am unless attending a school function.
You MAY NOT loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
You MAY NOT travel beyond the city limits without the permission of the chairman of the board.
You MAY NOT ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
You MAY NOT smoke cigarettes
You MAY NOT dress in bright colors.
You may UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES dye your hair.
You must wear AT LEAST two petticoats.
Your dresses must NOT be any shorter than two inches above the ankle

DUTIES

To keep the schoolroom clean you must: -
sweep the floor at least once daily.
Scrub the floor with hot soapy water at least once a week.
Start the fire at 7 am. So that the room will be warm by 8 am

You Might be in Education if...

1.  You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Vellum salt lick.
2.  You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3.  You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8-3 and have your summers free."
4.  You believe chocolate is a food group.
5.  You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6.  You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report
card.
7.  You believe the unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy,
the kids are sure mellow today."
8.  When out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at a child.
9.  You have no time for a life from August through June.
10. Putting all "A's on a report card would make your life SO much easier.
11. When you mention "vegetables," you are not talking about a food group.
12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before
being allow to reproduce.
13. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac.
14.  You encourage a parent to check into home schooling.
15. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in a middle school for at least five years.
16. You can't have children because there isn't any name you can hear that
wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.
17. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.
18. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this
kid like that?"
19. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.  She gave
each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come
up with the rest.  These are great:

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
  To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.
Received from Luz Platzer.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A REAL TEACHER
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.
Real teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.
Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.
Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.
Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line. Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.
Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.
Real teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.
Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.
Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.
Real teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the six weeks.
Real teachers never assign research papers on the last six weeks or essays on final exams.
Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.
Real teachers can "sense" gum.
Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.
Real teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.
Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.
Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil at Sam's.
Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom/teacher's lounge.
Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for 7th during an evaluation.
Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.
Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.
Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.
Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.

YOU KNOW YOU TEACH MIDDLE SCHOOL IF...
...you empty your pockets at night and find
1. two used hall passes
2. one unused bus pass
3. a pencil stub
4. no money (you spent your change in the faculty room candy stash)
5. a note with a drawing of Satan and two expletives that needed deleting
...you brag to your spouse about how many parent phone calls you got done today
...your relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if "it's going to be mostly teachers" because they all talk shop
...you keep trying those techniques that were recommended by experts during the latest pendulum swing
... you walk the halls of your building and unconsciously pick up litter
... you are irritated by adults who chew gum in public
... your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinner while you describe your day
... you plan your seating chart so that the short kids can't hide behind bigger ones
... you have seen firsthand what gum wrappers and pennies can do to a floppy disk drive
... you write your name conspicuously on all personal objects, including your car keys, your masking tape, your textbook, and your chair.
... you sometimes choose to pretend not to hear comments that were perfectly intelligible to everyone else who was in the room
... you know what your classroom door sounds like when slammed mightily
... you have classroom rules about where people may put their feet
... you know what the ventilation fan in your room sounds like when whirling small objects, usually folded paper or wrappers
... your librarian cringes when you sign up your class
... you tell subtle jokes in class just to see those few smiles of the ones that catch on
... your class gladly acknowledges that they watch Letterman and Rosie O'Donnell and MTV but tell you they haven't time to look at something by PBS during prime time
... you despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, and Valentine candy
... your students prefer current events stories that deal with rape, murder, electrocution, and demonic possession
... one of your students writes to Congress (on your nickel) to complain about some cigarette butts thrown into a local lake
... you still can't believe you allowed yourself to be sucked into an argument regarding whether Beanie Babies should be allowed in class
... you know at least three ways to remove objectionable doodles from textbooks so the next user will not be offended
... your team goes out for dinner to celebrate the news that your biggest headache is moving to another district
... you clean desks yourself just to keep the place looking nice and to help your own morale
... a mother calls to chew you out because you have ignored her son's project only to learn from you that it must be the one that has sat on the chalkrail for weeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" written above it.
... your colleagues claim you inspected a blank student agenda in study hall and said, "Let me guess: All your teachers have been absent for the last month and a half."

NEW SUGGESTED COMMENTS ON REPORT CARDS:
Since our last conference, this student has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
His friends would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
I would not allow this student to breed.
This student is really not so much of a has-been as more of a definite won't-be. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This student should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it together.
A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
He's been working with glue too much.
He would argue with a signpost.
He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.
If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Had two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other _____ and made it to conception.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from a fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
Takes him 11/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
His wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Two Teacher Funnies

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."